simpled

i'm not sure where or how this post will help me understand some things. but i think i need to think this out in writing.

during coursework today, the instructor asked where did i study before joining the workforce. to which i replied, i did my marine engineering diploma at singapore polytechnic. he further commented he was impressed by my grasp of the language citing he would compare me to the senior officers that he had come across for the courses he conducts.

he also asked if i've ever considered taking it further, and take up some form of higher learning, say a degree. to which i took a moment to think of a reply. detecting my slight hesitation, he continued by saying it will be a pity to not develop one's abilities further. i think the rest of the conversation has trailed off from my memory. but the gist of it all is, it comes as a nice surprise that someone i encountered briefly would suggest, or perhaps more appropriately, encourage me in that sense.

the question on my mind.

why am i here?

i'm referring to my current job really. on the one hand, when the offender earlier on actually thanked me and was very appreciative that i shared with him something new and helped him understand customs laws, even after fining him for $400, on his packet of ciggarettes, it felt awkward. yes, it felt awkward.

am i really a customer service kind of guy? but i'm more comfortable explaining and, somewhat educating people. so would training/educating roles be more appropriate? and what about meeting new people? i enjoy communicating. the act of conveying ideas and messages and turning it into something relevant and useful always excites me. just like solving puzzles. close friends appreciate my insights and perspectives, and very often they've approached me for advice or suggestions to solve problems, be it personal or professional. is that the engineering side of me deconstructing human problems and reconstructing human solutions? advocator of human rights? well, not that i've gone all out waving placards to repeal section 377a, but i've certainly stood up for my friends when logic and circumstances deems so. a politician perhaps, definitely not a banker or financial advisor type.

the issue i'm trying to run away from appears to be, what do i really want to do in this life?

i've never particularly excelled in something. a typical neither here nor there, living on a crutch, with regular negative thoughts reaffirming my lack of capabilities. or worse still, self worth. but that's really pushing it.

i've never excelled because i've never tried to. rather. never wanted it so badly, to try and excel in something.

and when i did not even try, someone who is well versed, and has seen more, comes up to me and is impressed, for the brief moment i attended the course he conducted, by something that he believes i've always had all along.

i can't keep leaving it all to fate and a good chance that something will come my way. lady luck can't keep doing all the work for me (that much i know very well). but really. where does the right foot step to?